Tag Archives: Aspergers

A good day!

It’s been a good day today.

Today we went Geocaching.

This was instead of joining in Sports Day at school…erm, well…we weren’t invited to join in, let’s say. However, it worked in our favour; there were no time pressures, and with trains every half an hour I could easily fill any waiting around. I got Oliver a hot chocolate, with cream and marshmallows (as requested) and as a bonus…me a coffee, without the usual moaning.

Before we left we realised we’d left the USB lead at Grandmas so we couldn’t download the GPS coordinates to Oliver’s GPS device. Nevertheless Oliver remained calm, and I agreed to download the App onto my mobile phone. He was in good spirits today, and wasn’t going to be thrown off course with little blips. I was pleased. We logged on with our user name. Bingo. We were IN, and ready to hunt for Geocaches.

Oliver smiled on the train, noted how we were going backwards, and relaxed browsing Geocaches and gazing out the window. He was in good mood, it would be a good day I thought.

I mentioned I had £90 worth of clothes in my bag I needed to return. He seemed not to mind that I’d need to actually go into a shop, and wander round (which he hates), and just concentrated on the money – £90. He was reminding me to drop the clothes off first to get the money back. Oliver loves money, particularly keeping it and saving it up. Phew…even that didn’t unhinge him.

After returning our items we charged headlong in to finding our first cache. But hang on…I had to hand over my phone with the Geocaching app open. It was a good thing really, so I wasn’t checking my phone, but unnerving when your 11 year old is waving it around, turning in circles. I tried not to be too tense about it.

So we found our first cache, brilliant! We logged it, then Oliver was telling me how we couldn’t find out other descriptions about finding caches because we weren’t a Premium member. SO, I casually said ‘ok, let’s see how much is it to be a Premium member?’ It was £7.99 for 3 months or £24.99/yr. Alright, I agreed, ‘let’s do the three months and see how much we use it’. Oh My Goodness, Oliver thought all his Christmases had come at once. He was thrilled, and up popped loads more geocaches to find. ‘Only Premium members are allowed to find these ones Mummy’, he whispered excitedly. We were Premium members now, and we could find our first Multicache. So we had to find 7 clues, and then do some maths, and then work out the coordinates. I wasn’t really paying that much attention, but Oliver was enraptured. I let him lead me. It was quite amusing, because once you become a Geocacher, you suddenly see other Geocachers on the same trail. But you don’t want to follow them, or let them notice you, otherwise you’d spoil the hunt. It was really good fun actually, and free. Well, except for the Premium membership…

Oliver absolutely loved his day out Geocaching, and it was made better because it was just the two of us. Geocaching is a great sport for any kid, or adult, but especially great to see him outside, in the open air…and happy.


We kept to our time scale to catch the 14:15 train home, and had bagged our first multi cache. It was a good day,

It’s important to capture these moments, because I have learnt that Oliver can swing from one mood to the other, opposite mood, very quickly. A good day today means a bad day tomorrow. But that didn’t matter, tomorrow isn’t here yet.




Head target

Yesterday I was hit in the head. I’ve been hit in the head and face before, but with less force and more by accident.

Yesterday I was hit in the head, with force and again and again. He went for me. He chased me out of my parents house and up the road screaming and lashing out for my head. Telling me I was lying about knowing where the computer was (I had lied).

Unsurprisingly I didn’t sleep last night. This all happened in front of his younger siblings. We were just embarking on a walk and he lunged at me, and ran after us up the road with no shoes on. The kids ran ahead up the road. I welled up cradled my head and did not know what to do. He ran back to the house and I just stood still saying out loud ‘I don’t know what to do’. I knew if I followed I’d be the target again. I knew if I didn’t he might turn on my parents. I phoned home and to my relief my Mum seemed to be still ok about my being out, and aside from a bit of whinging in the background, he seemed to have expelled his energy on me thankfully.

What really upset me was how much it hurt. It really hurt and it was delivered with venom and deliberately aimed at my head. He lashed up high again and again. It still hurt in the morning, and still hurts now.

My thoughts turned to fear last night. I am fearful of his behaviour. I feel threatened and I’m scared for me and the kids. I was making escape plans in my head; we need to get a lock on Anna’s door, we need to get a lock on my door, we need a safe place to retreat to, we need a secret code.  I’d tell the kids to go to their room to ‘do some drawing’, or something like that. Who would I phone. Who?

I ran though my friends in my head, and it was hard to feel I could phone any of them in this situation. There was a friend I might have phoned but she’d completely missed my crisis point last year, preferring instead to get offended by my forgetfulness. I explained, but no understanding or sympathy lied there. In hind sight I wish I hadn’t explained, just said move along.

Then there’s my lovely friend and neighbour but she has a new baby, another good friend of mine her husband works abroad, another two good friends are always busy. It goes on…but Who? IN a crisis WHO would I call.

To be honest, it’s not who can I trust. It’s someone who won’t be shocked, won’t judge, won’t get harmed themselves, remains calm, can negotiate, decisive, and knows a bit about Oliver or these situations. I narrow it down to one person, our local dog trainer…she’s brilliant and I know she won’t be shocked, or at least not show it. However she’s rarely in. I make a mental note to ask her next time I see her about being my emergency number.

But when do I phone the police? Should I? What if he gets a weapon? I search the internet for ‘my PDA child assaults me’ and find Mums who have got rid of sharp knives etc. What would happen to the other kids? What if I’m hurt, injured, incapacitated? I read somewhere else ‘never have an argument at the top of the stairs’. Another note to self.

Bloody hell…look what a crazy old night of no sleep does! None of this will happen from one head punch. Surely.

Then today, he argues with me again. I flinch, move away, anticipating violence, think where are the kids (ie. get them out the way). He waves his hands in front of my face like a taunt, they roughly brush my face, and my stomach sinks. Why did we argue? Again he wanted to go on the computer, I refuse to let him because he hit me, ‘but that was yesterday’ he says. He’s moved on, and I’m still reeling from the shock of the head punch. Sadly, I’m certain there will be more.

One thing I resolve to do is record his behaviour. I will, I will. Or at least I’ll try my best.


A parent’s advice about being different.

I planned to write about events in the past in the lead up to today, but every day brings new challenges. My son was chucked out of one school (after 11 days) at the beginning of this academic year, and tomorrow I’m anticipating a repeat scenario. Either he’ll have to leave at half term or they will refuse to take him for year 7 (I think that’s a given).

No point in worrying now…we’ll see what happens tomorrow…

Today I particularly wanted to share the amazingness of my son too.

It’s common to use the word normal and different in describing my amazing child.  I have used those words. In the first instance I thought them in my head about my child, then got quite offended when people said ‘will he ever be…normal?’ Over time, I’ve learnt to tolerate them but we all know there’s no normal out there. Sadly, it’s easier to bench mark children using these descriptions. Even Oliver uses these words about himself.

At age 7 ( year 3) Oliver had a sympathetic teacher who was very accommodating and constantly negotiated and renegotiated with him. She spent ages talking to him, nurturing him, and he felt secure and content in her class. Despite this Oliver still had his issues, kissing children in the playground, telling his peers they were wrong, struggling to understand imaginative work. Defacing homework, avoiding homework, losing homework. Oliver has successfully managed to do zero homework his whole school life (so far)…that is an impressive skill!

We didn’t pursue a diagnosis for Oliver. On a dress up day (that I had forgotten about) he was rigid with anxiety at all the strange different outfits people were wearing, and unable to go in to his class. I had already left and the SENCO saw him scared to enter the classroom, clearly stressed. She told me about her autistic brother and how Oliver was ‘typically autistic’ such is their nature. At the end of the meeting I said, ‘you do realise Oliver hasn’t got a diagnosis?’ ‘Oh, really? I didn’t realise that.’.  It was then we decided that if the school were treating our son as autistic we seriously needed to get a diagnosis.

Getting the diagnosis was surprisingly easy. The consultant had never before seen a teacher and parent get an identical score on the 3di. I love the way timings and numbers associated with Oliver seem to follow a pattern of preciseness. The nurse told Oliver to wait a minute whilst he called the consultant. Oliver started counting 1,2,3,…up to a minute. I was holding my breath. Please, please don’t be longer. I quickly said to Oliver, ‘it might be a little bit longer’…hoping he would allow for a little variation.

The consultant heard Oliver counting. This was good.  Oliver sat inappropriately close to the consultant (mainly because he wanted to see the computer screen), and Oliver was reading his report, enquiringly about what P and F meant. Perfect and Fantastic apparently. That pleased Oliver. It wasn’t long before he said yes he’s got Aspergers, gave us a sheet with ‘useful reading’ and ‘useful websites’. Bish, bash BOSH. Done. We walked out to the car park and suddenly we felt very emotional…but it was good. It was a relief, we had something tangible to work with and I felt empowered.

The next step was…do we tell him? I knew it would be easy to tell him when the time was right, I would just leave a book out, a page open, an article to read. Oliver picked up everything and read anything he could get his hands on. I discussed with his teacher that I would initiate this some time in the future to guide his curious mind towards understanding his diagnosis. But I needn’t have worried. By the following week, unprompted by me Oliver had diagnosed himself.

After reading this news paper article in First News Oliver went in to school and asked his teacher if he was ‘autistic’. She thoughtfully talked to him and they looked at some websites together about Autism and Aspergers. She didn’t realise I hadn’t instigated anything, so when at the end if the school day his class teacher spoke to me, it dawned on us he’d done it himself. Thank you First News!

Oliver and I talked some more at home. He was desperate for information and wanted to read all the books. If I could give any advice as a parent of an Autistic child to another parent. It would be: Please tell your child their diagnosis. The first thing Oliver said to me was ‘I knew I was different’. I was amazed that a child at age 7, recognised he was different. Shocking… goodness knows how confusing and damaging it would be to go in to teenage years or later life having always felt different.

So there we have it. Despite not wanting to use the word different…that is exactly how Oliver perceived himself. In such a brutally judgemental world,  Oliver found comfort in having an answer to why he felt different. It was without doubt the right thing to do. And he worked him it out for himself. I was, and am so proud of him.

Did the world fall apart?

The short answer is ‘no’.

Really? I was upset, but not that my son might be autistic. No. I had conflicting emotions of sadness, but also hugely relieved.

Sadness because he was different. Relief, because I knew he was different. Ironic really. The acknowledgement from someone else gave me the reassurance I craved, as I felt like I was going slightly crazy. I had thought his problems were due to my parenting, and I couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong. His behaviour was conflicting and unpredictable, so I was baffled most of the time.

I decided I didn’t want Oliver to have a label. Ever. I had a label when I was younger, and it scarred me for life. I knew first hand what it was like to be ‘different’, and I hated it.

So we continued, onwards, in the knowledge Oliver was different, but not obviously so, we thought. Yes he had his paddies, that did go on for hours, yes he was completely draining of my energy, but it wasn’t anything major, he’s just ‘slightly autistic’, we said.

Oliver had a sister 2 years younger who absolutely idolised him. They used to play together nicely. I realise now, his sister had learnt how to behave; Oliver was in control. She was desperate for his attention so would do exactly what she was told, without question. They were very close and I was pleased they seemed to genuinely love each other. Next came a younger brother. It wasn’t quite planned, but a happy accident. Oliver and Tommy have a love hate relationship. Tommy physically recoils when he sees Oliver have a paddy, which is inevitably directed at me, and always comes to comfort me afterwards. He’s my cuddle monster. Tommy is very wary in Oliver’s presence, and he too has learnt to tread very carefully around his older brother.  His sister, bless her, used to stick up for herself, and always came off worse. She still does now, but with less conviction; the repercussions can be very painful.

I look back now and I can identify; eye contact (tick), some empathy (tick), he was very loving, and happy (tick, tick). But then he would flip, completely, entirely, unpredictably. I always said Oliver had a ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ character to anyone and everyone.

In January 2012 I read the PDA information on the NAS website … 4 years ago.

Yes…I was reading about my son; Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde! It rang alarm bells then, but for some reason I dismissed it. Oliver didn’t do role play…he hated dressing up. Oliver didn’t have any language delay…he was reading children’s encyclopaedias at age 7. It wasn’t quite him, as we thought  he had Aspergers (because he was great at maths!). How could Oliver be both?

I read the article one day, and had forgotten it by the following week.

The long answer is the world didn’t fall apart, but our family life was hard or one could say ‘very challenging’. Everybody, even extended family, was effected in many different ways. We didn’t realise how this tornado at the epicentre of our family had pick us all up and we were defenceless to its power. We all revolved around one individual and we were beginning to realise this wasn’t normal.

It took a long time to accept our different world, was in fact our normal world. Even today.