Yesterday I was hit in the head. I’ve been hit in the head and face before, but with less force and more by accident.
Yesterday I was hit in the head, with force and again and again. He went for me. He chased me out of my parents house and up the road screaming and lashing out for my head. Telling me I was lying about knowing where the computer was (I had lied).
Unsurprisingly I didn’t sleep last night. This all happened in front of his younger siblings. We were just embarking on a walk and he lunged at me, and ran after us up the road with no shoes on. The kids ran ahead up the road. I welled up cradled my head and did not know what to do. He ran back to the house and I just stood still saying out loud ‘I don’t know what to do’. I knew if I followed I’d be the target again. I knew if I didn’t he might turn on my parents. I phoned home and to my relief my Mum seemed to be still ok about my being out, and aside from a bit of whinging in the background, he seemed to have expelled his energy on me thankfully.
What really upset me was how much it hurt. It really hurt and it was delivered with venom and deliberately aimed at my head. He lashed up high again and again. It still hurt in the morning, and still hurts now.
My thoughts turned to fear last night. I am fearful of his behaviour. I feel threatened and I’m scared for me and the kids. I was making escape plans in my head; we need to get a lock on Anna’s door, we need to get a lock on my door, we need a safe place to retreat to, we need a secret code. I’d tell the kids to go to their room to ‘do some drawing’, or something like that. Who would I phone. Who?
I ran though my friends in my head, and it was hard to feel I could phone any of them in this situation. There was a friend I might have phoned but she’d completely missed my crisis point last year, preferring instead to get offended by my forgetfulness. I explained, but no understanding or sympathy lied there. In hind sight I wish I hadn’t explained, just said move along.
Then there’s my lovely friend and neighbour but she has a new baby, another good friend of mine her husband works abroad, another two good friends are always busy. It goes on…but Who? IN a crisis WHO would I call.
To be honest, it’s not who can I trust. It’s someone who won’t be shocked, won’t judge, won’t get harmed themselves, remains calm, can negotiate, decisive, and knows a bit about Oliver or these situations. I narrow it down to one person, our local dog trainer…she’s brilliant and I know she won’t be shocked, or at least not show it. However she’s rarely in. I make a mental note to ask her next time I see her about being my emergency number.
But when do I phone the police? Should I? What if he gets a weapon? I search the internet for ‘my PDA child assaults me’ and find Mums who have got rid of sharp knives etc. What would happen to the other kids? What if I’m hurt, injured, incapacitated? I read somewhere else ‘never have an argument at the top of the stairs’. Another note to self.
Bloody hell…look what a crazy old night of no sleep does! None of this will happen from one head punch. Surely.
Then today, he argues with me again. I flinch, move away, anticipating violence, think where are the kids (ie. get them out the way). He waves his hands in front of my face like a taunt, they roughly brush my face, and my stomach sinks. Why did we argue? Again he wanted to go on the computer, I refuse to let him because he hit me, ‘but that was yesterday’ he says. He’s moved on, and I’m still reeling from the shock of the head punch. Sadly, I’m certain there will be more.
One thing I resolve to do is record his behaviour. I will, I will. Or at least I’ll try my best.